Nearest Distant Shore as a Reminder

"Nearest Distant Shore"

You fight for every breath
Caught without a ship in this sea of neglect
The one you swore to love is pulling you down
You're in over your head
Chilled to the bone by the waters you've tread
Chart a course to land, before you drown

Swim to the nearest distant shore
There's only so much a heart can endure
You gave it your best, forgive yourself
You can't hold on anymore
It's not as far as it might seem
Now it's time to let go of old dreams
Every heart for itself
Swim to the nearest distant shore

He said for you he'd change
Then he'd let you down and watch you take the blame
You're trapped between his lies and the great unknown
You vowed you would not fail
But this ain't success it's a living hell
There's nothing left to lose, you're already alone

Swim to the nearest distant shore
There's only so much a heart can endure
You gave it your best, forgive yourself
You can't hold on anymore
It's not as far as it might seem
Now it's time to let go of old dreams
Every heart for itself
Swim to the nearest distant shore

What is the point of this post and this song by Trisha Yearwood?  I've been trying my best to get perspective on how I feel about the situation as it stands today in my personal life and I came across an FB post from a friend that spoke about a past love and referenced a Trisha Yearwood song to illustrate her feelings about this past relationship. I thought i'd do that same.

I've known this song since my high school years but I admit, the meaning and lyrics of the song didn't resonate as much as they did when I entered my 30's.  I think it's fitting to look at this and listen to this song again at this time in my life. At the very least, it serves as a reminder of realities that sometimes get covered up by emotions that come out in the heat of the moment.

Perfect Definition

I saw this on Elephant Journal.  It is what it feel like to be betrayed.  I thought to post it here because it really spoke to me.  Although some may ask where the betrayal now is, I feel it is there, and I am unapologetic about it. I believe that it is in recognizing and accepting what I feel that I can start to move on.

Bewildered.

That is the word for it. Utterly bewildered that a pairing of so much love could dissolve into so much pain.

Eyes widen from the pleasure of sleep into the grey numbness of morning. It feels like swimming in slow-motion. A silent movie—black and white and tragic, of course.

Anger coils deep in the stomach, and it tastes a lot like hate on the tongue.

There is no “you.” There is no “I.” There is no sense of self beneath the waves of bewilderment, pain, anger and fear. Hurt is a riptide tugging at the ankles.

There are only these hands—cold against the chest. These legs—so tired after rest. This belly—churning with feelings not yet felt.

These lips. Set hard in a line of neutrality.

These eyes. There are no tears—yet.

This head tries to comprehend—wants to process—but this heart knows—always knew; will always know; can never un-know—such a thing is impossible. 

The time for grief will come—mourning loss, or finding healing perhaps. But first, there is this hollow at the base of the throat—empty of words. First, there is this body—numb and sinking fast.

There are wings, too—yes, there are always wings!—but they do not beat. This spirit has forgotten, momentarily, how to fly.

The soul wishes, tries, yearns, pleads to dissolve into air, to melt into water, to harden into stone, to burn into ashes—and so it does none of these things.

And so it remains, beside this spirit which has forgotten how to fly, in this body whose heavy legs lift out of the warm haven of sleep and carry it into the grey morning.

And there are no tears—yet.

Anger coils deep in the stomach, and it tastes a lot like hate.

But there is nothing—yet.

Only lacking. Only bewilderment and a profound fear of what lies ahead. Choices to be made.

Only the heart who whispers without malice, “I told you so.”

Broken But Not Yet Beautiful

I keep reading these memes about how one has to go through trials to become stronger, how in japan broken vases are lined with gold and thought of as even more precious, etc etc. Honestly, I know in my mind this can be true. We do need to go through things to learn and change and grow. There is no better teacher than life experience. But in the midst of struggle, in the middle of pain, it is hard to see the beautiful butterfly they say you will be after it all. I often think, is there no end to it? The struggle, the heartbreak? Or is it just me, prolonging my own agony, refusing to learn the lesson, refusing to let go.

Two weeks ago, I was told of yet another bomb involving my ex-husband. Really, I should not have been surprised. He has been acting so nice towards me, generous, affable, helpful even. I was wondering when the rug would be pulled out from under me. And lest anyone say I am a negative person, let me just say that this is how it has always been with him. So to make the long story short, it appears he will be a dad again, and the child will not be half me.

How did/do I feel about this? To be 100% honest and transparent, gutted. I know it was bound to happen someday. But just like infidelity, when it is a hypothetical, it isn't really real, not really painful.  And like infidelity, my ex has taught me another very real lesson of life. 

Really though, why should I be affected? We've been separated for 6 years now. We just got our annulment papers this May so we are in the process of finalizing making our marriage non-existent. Why should it still matter? I don't know. But it does. And there were a couple of days immediately after where I had to take time off from work because I just couldn't concentrate. There was rage, and hurt, betrayal, rejection, fear, and brokenness all rolled into my stomach.  Now, two weeks on, there is rejection and a wealth of sadness. I've had nightmare-filled nights of him in this new set-up. During the day, even when I try my best to think past it, I see my life played out, like film on a projector, from the day we met to getting together, to getting married, to having kids, to all the problems, to splitting up, and all the in-betweens and I am filled with this aching sadness.

So why? In part it is because I am no longer the only mother of his children. I guess I appreciated that fact, even if I knew that reality may change in the future.  There is also having to deal with possibly seeing him with another family, possibly seeing that succeed where mine failed so badly, having that which was a fond wish of mine fulfilled elsewhere.  How will I deal with it? Essentially, it is not about me but my reaction is all about me. This I have to understand and deal with. Then there is that part that has to truly put to rest all that was with him, and all that now really can never ever be.  My kids' sad lamentations of wanting us to get back together are really now relegated to the hall of wishful thinking.  And I knew I didn't want to get back together with him as he is now, but there was a part of me that hoped that if he changed, he may see that our family can be happy together. And I guess that is a part of me that died with the news and the part I am now mourning.

What is there to do moving forward then?  In truth, it is a mystery. For certain, it is a life with me and my two kids together. Only us for now. I pray there will be a good man in the picture in the future. One who can be a real partner to me, a real complement, a whole person ready, willing, and able to take care of me and my kids and who I can take care of as well. Not perfect but perfect for me.  

In the meantime, I have to live with myself by myself and learn to finally, truly, completely, wholly, unreservedly, let go of all that was. Just let it all go.  I pray for the strength, the clarity, and the resilience to do this.